How to Create a Self-Care Routine That Actually Works

How to Create a Self-Care Routine That Actually Works

Let’s talk about self-care—not the bubble-bath, spa-day version (although those have their place), but the kind that actually supports your emotional and mental wellbeing long-term.

As a psychotherapist, I often hear clients say, “I know I should take better care of myself, but I don’t know where to start,” or “I try self-care but it never seems to stick.” You're not alone if you feel that way. Real self-care isn’t always glamorous. Sometimes, it looks like getting out of bed when everything feels heavy. Sometimes, it’s learning to say no without guilt.

Over the years, both professionally and personally, I’ve learned that a sustainable self-care routine needs three key things: realism, rhythm, and relevance. Here's how you can start creating one that truly works for you.

1. Start Where You Are (Not Where You Think You “Should” Be)
The first trap I see people fall into is trying to create an “ideal” routine that doesn’t reflect their current life or capacity. You don’t need a perfectly structured morning routine or an hour of journaling every night to qualify as “doing self-care right.”

Ask yourself:

What do I need most right now?
What’s realistic for me to commit to this week, even on my low days?

Self-care is not a performance. It’s a relationship with yourself. Start with something small and doable—maybe it’s drinking a full glass of water first thing in the morning or stepping outside for five minutes a day. Small acts matter.

2. Build Around You, Not Against You
If you live with anxiety, trauma, or burnout, your nervous system might be in overdrive—or shut down. That’s why typical “advice” like just meditate or go for a run doesn’t always help and can even feel frustrating.

Instead, ask:

What helps me feel safe and grounded?

This could be something as simple as wrapping yourself in a blanket, listening to music that soothes you, or doing a few deep belly breaths. For others, it’s movement—gentle yoga, stretching, walking.

3. Make It Flexible, Not Rigid
Routines are helpful, but rigid rules are not. If your self-care routine feels like another chore or standard you’re failing to meet, it’s not working for you—it's working against you.

What we’re looking for is a rhythm: a gentle, supportive pattern that we return to again and again.

Try this:

Anchor one or two small habits to something you already do. (e.g. “After I brush my teeth, I’ll take three mindful breaths.”)

Create a flexible weekly rhythm. Maybe Sundays become your rest/reset day, and Wednesday evenings your digital detox window.

4. Include Rest That Is Truly Restful
Scrolling on your phone might feel like a break, but it often doesn't restore us. Real rest includes moments of intentional stillness—sleep, yes, but also time without input. That might be:

Sitting in silence with a cup of tea

Listening to calming sounds or music

Doing absolutely nothing and letting your mind wander (yes, this is allowed)

You don’t need to earn rest. You’re allowed to rest simply because you're human.

5. Let It Evolve
Your needs will shift—daily, monthly, seasonally. What works for you now might not work in six months, and that’s okay. Part of effective self-care is checking in and adjusting when things no longer feel nourishing.

I revisit my own self-care regularly. Some weeks it’s about creating more structure, other times it’s softening expectations and allowing rest. That’s the beauty of a compassionate routine—it meets you where you are.

Final Thoughts
Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s foundational. It helps you show up more fully in your relationships, work, and personal growth. And most importantly, it reconnects you to your own worth and inner steadiness.

If creating a self-care routine feels overwhelming, know that you don’t have to figure it all out at once. Start small. Be kind to yourself. And remember: what matters most is not what it looks like on the outside, but how it feels inside you.

Warmly,
Nicola Dilenardo
Psychotherapist